Notes on Jean Smith's Flirtology
Flirtology by Jean Smith
Original notes here.
Read until the end to get a bonus. Enjoy reading.
Flirting is a learned behavior. The foundation of Flirtology is social science, and it is also an art of interaction.
Surprisingly, men and women are equally curious about Flirtology and equally enthusiastic about learning it.
Flirtingology asks us to face the world with an open and curious mind. Good flirting can make both people feel relaxed and excited; it is one of the most ideal forms of interaction. Why limit it to people we are attracted to? Only through plenty of practice can it become as effortless and carefree as taking a walk.
Seven Great Myths
Difficult: In reality, it is simple. As long as it is fun and enjoyable, and you can feel your own uniqueness, both people can feel wonderful. Confidence is enough to make it easy and natural. Do not have a goal you feel you absolutely must achieve.
It has to happen naturally: In reality, it is a skill. It can be learned and taught.
Frightening: You are responsible only for your own part; do not try to predict or control the other person. You know nothing about a stranger; they have no right to judge your worth either. A smile is a gift, not something given with the expectation of receiving one in return. There is no need to keep staging little dramas inside your head. As Eleanor Roosevelt said: “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that is why we call it the present.”
Being rejected is terrible: In reality, it is a filtering mechanism. It tells you whether the two of you click and helps filter out the people who are not right for you.
Good flirting lets you attract everyone: You do not need to attract everyone; you only need to attract the right people. Refusing to reject anyone and using others as tools to make yourself feel good will only reinforce fear.
Men have to make the first move: There is no basis for the idea that only men were hunters in ancient times. Women hunted too.
The internet is the answer: The internet creates endless illusions, while website filters create a false sense of security. It is easy to believe you have really tried, even when you may never have met the person in real life.
Using Flirtingology to Strengthen Your Love Life
Set goals
Goals can and should be adjusted continuously. Do not mistake other people’s goals for your own. Once you have set your goals, simply focus on what you can control.
Question your own goals and consider whether they fit the life you want to live.
Remove obstacles
These fall into external excuses (environmental or other people’s factors, such as “I live in the countryside and there is no one to meet,” or “Everyone I meet only wants a one-night stand”) and internal excuses (such as not knowing how to talk to the opposite sex).
Excuses are part of a self-perpetuating myth: examine the source of the information (for example, where did the claim that “after 30, meeting a man is harder than being struck by lightning” come from?), consider the sample size of your personal experience, consider the effects of negative bias, and examine your own behavior (many of the obstacles may be ones you have created yourself, ultimately becoming self-fulfilling prophecies).
Understand the beliefs in your own mental model. For example, replace “I can’t talk to people I’m attracted to” with a positive and useful thought such as, “She looks attractive. I want to know whether she’s interesting too. There is only one way to find out.”
Escape the traps
Being too busy to make time, assuming flirting has to happen in a particular place and at a particular time, fantasizing about romantic encounters unfolding like movie scenes, setting the bar too high, and using workplace strategies to search for a partner: these seemingly helpful restrictions actually exist only in your own mind.
The misconception that attractiveness is simply a matter of appearance scores is another trap: attraction comes from confidence; appearance merely makes you more confident.
Who Should You Flirt With?
Many tests people invent themselves are unreliable: for example, using whether someone shares food on a first meeting as a measure of generosity, or whether someone takes the initiative as a measure of confidence.
The opposite problem is that the criteria are too crude, such as “very attractive” plus “a nice person.”
Dealbreakers should begin with what you value most in life and what you cannot compromise on. Some people never think this through and need to go through several painful relationships before they figure it out.
List five. Possible areas to consider include kindness, interests, being a good social match, views on independence, location, religion, and attitudes toward money. Physical characteristics should be excluded. “A good sense of humor” should be changed to “a similar sense of humor.” Be honest with yourself, but remember that this is not a list of the best traits.
Assume the other person will not change. Never expect that being with you will make them agree with you about marriage and having children.
Be realistic. It is difficult to find someone who is successful yet completely untouched by worldly concerns, deeply devoted to family yet extremely autonomous and independent.
For each condition you write down, peel back the layers and find the meaning behind it. Sometimes what we think we need is actually another quality altogether.
Then ask yourself: if you were going to be with this person for five years, would the absence of this condition be a serious problem? If not, it is not necessary.
When looking for someone, it is not necessary to assume there must be immediate chemistry. Instant chemistry is necessary only for a fling; in a long-term relationship, the necessary conditions above are what actually matter.
Many people take a quick look around a room and conclude there is no one attractive there. But the best way to find people who meet your necessary conditions is to talk to them.
The solution is the same when someone seems too attractive to approach: after you talk to them, your impression may change completely.
Action
Preparation: Adjust your mental framework. Discard negative ideas (“It’s so hard to find someone to talk to,” “It’s difficult to talk to strangers,” etc.) and replace them with positive ones: “There are at least a few interesting people here tonight; I’m going to find them,” or “I like getting to know other people. Let’s see who wants to share.” Setting goals is useful for many people: “Tonight I’ll talk to six new people,” “I’ll ask three people for their phone numbers” (make the goal something you can control).
Entering: Do not look down and head straight for the lifeboats. Keep your head up and look around, making good use of the mere exposure effect. Keep your body language open. Do not sit down; you immediately lose half your height, and the only opportunity others have to interact with you is to sit down beside you. Stay at the center of things rather than in a dark corner.
Taking the initiative: Simply standing around hands control over to other people. It is difficult to speak to strangers because you become constrained by the possibility of how they might respond, but that is not our problem. We cannot control other people’s reactions. That is their privilege, and we should not allow ourselves to be constrained by it. No one is responsible for making you happy. That is your responsibility.
Approaching: First determine whether the person is approachable. Observe their body language, smile, and eye contact. With eye contact, use four criteria: frequency, duration, intensity, and gestures. If it seems flirtatious, respond with a smile; if they are interested, they will make the same response. The next step is to walk toward your target. Pay attention to personal space and make sure they feel comfortable.
Asking questions: There is no need for a perfect opening line. The author’s experiments showed that after a few minutes of conversation, people overwhelmingly forgot what the other person had said at the beginning. Open-ended questions are your main weapon. One simple, easy-to-remember form is: “What do you think of…?” It works because it creates a shared experience (such as looking at a painting together), invites self-disclosure (an effective way to build a relationship), acknowledges that you are interested in their opinion, and lets them decide freely how much they want to say without pressure. When you touch on a subject that excites the other person, their eyes will light up instantly. That excitement helps them become more open to you. Psychologists call this phenomenon social contagion.
Props: Use whatever is at hand to ask questions, such as “What do you think of this place?”, “What kind of cake is that? Should I try it?”, “Is the coffee here any good?”, or “How do they draw such complicated patterns in a latte?” Props have three advantages: they make it easy to think of something to say; they naturally connect the conversation to the experience at hand and avoid a clichéd pickup line; and opinions and preferences often lead to self-disclosure, helping you build rapport more quickly.
Move toward building a relationship: Once questions have created a conversation, use the following points: common ground (“I like this too,” “I thought I was going to be the only person here who didn’t like this place”) and self-disclosure (“Did you walk far? I’d be exhausted after walking a mile”).
Overcoming negative thoughts:
“I don’t want people to think I’m weird”: What’s weird about asking a question? The key to asking is assessment. Only weird people neither care nor notice whether the other person likes them. Fear that other people will think you are weird has caused many men to miss great opportunities. Don’t become one of them.
“He or she might not like women who take the initiative”: If you are confident and they do not like women who take the initiative, would that really be a good relationship? Treat it as a filtering mechanism that removes what does not belong.
“Taking the initiative lowers my value”: This comes from the influence of an ancient culture that prevented women from deciding whom they could talk to. Try tracing the source of this idea. Do you really want your man to view your worth through this lens?
“They will laugh at me”: This is merely a fictional story. You are fantasizing about the worst-case scenario. Facing it head-on is the best way to confront this fear, and you will be surprised by how positive most people’s reactions are.
“They are too good-looking for me”: People are not pegs on a scoreboard. Good looks simply make them ordinary human beings too, and many of them do not even realize how attractive they are.
“I’ll get myself into a situation I can’t escape from”: You can always leave. Just say a simple, “Thanks, it was nice meeting you,” and walk away.
Moving Things Forward
How do you know whether the other person is flirting or merely being friendly? First, put your attention on the other person and observe them rather than focusing on yourself.
Break down the signals of flirting: HOTAPE: humor, open body language, touch, attention, proximity, eye contact.
That means these six things: the other person tells jokes or laughs loudly; displays open body language, with their body and legs facing you; touches you and allows you to touch them; keeps their attention on you; moves closer to you; and makes eye contact with you.
Dealing with sudden silence: Ask a question that gets them talking about themselves, such as “What do you do for fun?” (The law of social contagion: when they tell you about things they are passionate about, their excitement transfers to you, drawing the two of you closer.)
How do you know whether they are single? Ask what they did last weekend.
Being rejected can also strengthen your confidence: You discover that you have actually lost nothing at all. What matters is how you handle it.
When you do not want to continue, make a graceful exit: You are not responsible for other people’s emotions. Worrying about them is just speculation. You may think they will be hurt, but that may not be the case. Keeping someone from meeting a suitable person is not kindness. A simple “It was really nice meeting you. I hope you have a great time tonight” is enough.
Green light: Do not put pressure on yourself and ruin the flow. Just immerse yourself in and enjoy the encounter. Your mental framework should be: “I find him attractive, and I’m not afraid to let him know.” Continue showing HOTAPE. Spontaneously offer sincere, personalized compliments, and use “we” statements to create a sense of togetherness.
Making your intentions clear: Use the social contagion effect by connecting the next encounter to something they are passionate about. Or be direct: “This has been one of the best conversations I’ve had in a long time. Would you like to continue this another day?”
Where to Find True Love
The digital world is a bottomless pit. You can keep scrolling forever. When you find yourself trapped in virtual flirting, ask yourself: How much time have I spent on this? Am I getting any closer to my goal? Am I doing this for the right reason? Am I enjoying it? If I once enjoyed it, do I still enjoy it now?
The digital applicability of HOTAPE is limited: you cannot share humor, cannot assess attention, cannot observe dilated pupils, and cannot touch. The only way to discover all the layers and details of another person is face-to-face.
The author often hears clients say that someone promised to get in touch but never called. It is never surprising to discover that the person came from online: because the online world has no consequences, politeness and empathy disappear without a trace.
Where should you look? The simple answer: anywhere. The two great weapons are common ground and proximity.
Make proper use of work, social activities, and interests. If you love movies, don’t just watch Netflix; join a film club.
Joining a group is still not enough; you have to open yourself up for it to work. Get as close as possible to the people you find attractive.
Mere exposure alone can increase attraction.
Look at the potential partners already within your social circle. There is no need to immediately pursue them intensely; take one small step and then reassess.
The First Date
The goal is to strengthen the attraction you already have while enjoying yourself to the fullest.
If the other person already meets your necessary conditions, and even an hour together feels too long, why meet at all?
Where should you go? Choose the environment that is best for getting to know each other. The person doing the inviting should be willing to decide; the person being invited should keep an open mind.
Taking turns paying is best. Splitting the bill makes it feel like a transaction; treating someone is like giving a gift.
Stop all the “What if this happens?” mental chatter and return to reality: you want to attract people who like you for who you really are, so you should present your authentic self.
Do not look too far ahead. Focus on what you can control. Do not put the other person on too high a pedestal; simply expect to learn more about them.
Key points: equal self-disclosure on both sides; do not put on an act; be more candid; do not be overly preoccupied with yourself; observe the other person carefully; make greater use of common ground, HOTAPE, and whatever props are at hand; focus on necessary conditions rather than minor details; avoid talking about exes.
One of the main reasons people end up in the friend zone is that they put themselves there, believing that being rejected as a potential romantic partner would be worse than being rejected as a potential friend. That defensive mechanism should be countered by using more HOTAPE to cultivate attraction.
For someone who meets the necessary conditions, if you still do not want to see them again after trying different approaches and spending an hour on a date looking for something enjoyable, and you still find it difficult to bear, leave immediately. Simply and clearly state your intentions. But do not say “There was no chemistry”; just say “We’re not a good fit.”
Whether having sex on the first date is appropriate depends on many factors, but it should be because you genuinely enjoy it.
The most wonderful first date is one that makes you want to see each other again.
What Comes Next
Take the risk of accepting a new relationship, but do not use someone to fill a hole in your heart. Bring your interests into the relationship without losing yourself. A relationship is not the goal; it is an exploration. Continue taking full responsibility for your own well-being, and continue doing the things that make you happy.
Listen to your inner voice, cherish real relationships, use modern technology with caution, forget social expectations, and focus on what truly matters to you.
Finished reading on Oct 16, 2024
Thank you for reading until the end. This is a bonus infographic just for you.
