Notes on Watson's Before I Go to Sleep
Before I Go to Sleep by S. J. Watson
Original notes here.
Christine wakes up to find a married man sleeping beside her. It seems she is in his home, yet she has no memory of how she got there. In the bathroom, she is shocked to discover numerous photographs of herself with the man, suggesting that the two have been married for many years. The man introduces himself as Ben and tells her that she has suffered from amnesia ever since a car accident more than twenty years ago, with her memory lasting only a single day. At the time, she was working as a secretary; she has not worked since falling ill. Ben opens a photo album to help her revisit the past, explaining that many of the photographs were destroyed in a fire. After Ben leaves for work, a doctor named Nash calls Christine, telling her that they have an appointment today—and that Ben knows nothing about it. During the appointment, Nash gives her a diary and tells her that once she has read it, she will understand everything.
It is the end of the month, and the diary begins on the ninth. It appears to have been written by Christine herself, yet its contents feel strangely unrelated to her, almost like a novel. That day, Nash had suggested that she start keeping a diary, and that he would call her every day at noon to remind her where she hid the diary and try to help improve her memory. From then on, she learns each day what has happened recently and gradually reconstructs her identity. She discovers that she was once a writer. Nash also gives her a copy of the book she published at the time, along with newspaper reports about it. In one of the reports, she is shocked to see that she had been pregnant. She later discovers that she had a son named Adam. Ben says Adam was serving in the military and was killed in the fighting in Afghanistan last year. One day, she remembers what really happened on the day of the accident: it was not a car accident at all. She had been in a hotel, waiting for a man. A man came in, but she could not see his face. He attacked her and nearly strangled her to death, which caused severe brain damage and her subsequent amnesia. She also discovers that Ben had once divorced her and only later brought her back. She finds the whole thing highly suspicious, yet at the same time tries to convince herself that Ben had hidden the truth in order to protect her.
She and Nash visit the psychiatric hospital where she once lived, only to learn that her best friend had left her contact information with the institution. Christine finally meets Claire, a close friend of more than twenty years. Claire confirms that, shortly after giving birth to Adam, Christine became deeply depressed due to severe writer’s block. Later, at Claire’s suggestion, she went out to a café to write while Claire looked after Adam, and Christine gradually regained her vitality. Later, Christine met a man at the café, and their relationship quickly developed into a romance. Despite being warned to stay away from him, she refused to leave him, which put Claire in a very difficult position because she and Ben were also friends. Eventually, Christine said she had decided to walk away from the relationship—but then the tragic attack occurred. Claire admits that she and Ben were under tremendous pressure at the time and that one night they had sex. The affair continued for several weeks before they decided to end it because it had become too painful. Christine forgives her. Claire has remained in contact with Ben, and she gives Christine a letter from him, saying that he had asked her to give it to Christine if her condition ever improved. The letter was written when Ben decided to divorce her. In it, Ben says that whenever he brought Adam to the hospital to visit Christine, she would become extremely distressed, believing she was seeing Adam for the first time, and then assuming it was some kind of conspiracy by the hospital. Adam would often be frightened into tears. Sometimes Ben did not bring him, yet would hear that Christine was getting along perfectly well with the other patients. He therefore made the difficult decision to leave her, while making clear that he still loved her deeply.
In the diary, Christine writes that she is preparing to confess everything to Ben, tell him about the diary and Nash, and forgive him. The final page was written a week ago, after which the diary is blank, suggesting that she and Ben have reconciled. That day, Ben says he is going to take her out, and she hurriedly packs her things. In their hotel room, she suddenly realizes that this is the very hotel where she was attacked all those years ago. In Ben’s suitcase, she discovers pages torn from the diary: on that day, she had confessed everything to Ben, but instead of appreciating her forgiveness, he had reacted with fury and attacked her, leaving her utterly bewildered. She calls Claire and pours out everything to her, but Claire says she cannot believe it. When they talk about Adam, Claire tells her that Adam is not dead. Claire asks Christine to describe the man’s appearance and confirms that the man was not Ben.
The man comes out of the bathroom to find the torn diary pages scattered across the floor. She suddenly realizes that he is Michael, the lover who attacked her. Michael says he is tired of pretending to be Ben and brought her here so that she would remember that she had once loved him. He says that this diary is the source of all their troubles, and that they had been perfectly happy before it. He burns the diary. Christine fights back desperately, the fire spreads, and she loses consciousness. When she wakes, Claire tells her that Michael is dead. The real Ben and Adam have also come to see Christine. Nash tells her that it does not matter that the diary is gone; they can start over. Now, she is surrounded by people who love her. Christine looks at her sleeping husband and falls asleep beside him, her heart overflowing with love.
Finished reading on Feb 24, 2019 in Taipei
